Emma: Forgive them, Jane

Anya Taylor-Gay & Bill Nighy 

"Lord, what fools these mortals be," is a quote from Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream. But it seems as if director Autumn de Wilde made it her vision for this version of Jane Austen's comedy of manners.

Austen wrote Emma to poke fun at the society people of her time whose lives revolved around banalities and trivialities with little regard or empathy for the less fortunate. But she did it with a wink wink.  De Wilde, on the other hand, takes a sledgehammer to Emma and cohorts. In her hands, they are so foolish and narrow-minded that it's difficult to see them as anything but a joke. What results is a one-joke movie. 

This period drama is worth seeing only for the exquisite costumes and sumptuous settings and the very rare instances when a character actually resembles a human being. 

The Assistant

Jane is a recent college graduate, five weeks into her mind-numbing, soul-crushing, entry-level position. Boring! And you, lucky movie-goer, get to share all the mind-numbing, soul-crushing boredom.

Moving on. Jane's boss, whom we never see, is an entertainment mogul. Ring any bells? When Jane suspects that he's on to something with a parade of Pretty Young Things, she's perturbed. We're never quite sure if it's because these unqualified girls are given positions she's worked hard to attain, or if she thinks the PYTs need protection.

Moving on again. The Assistant could have worked nicely as a movie short—say 30 minutes. As a full-length film, not so much.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: Never ignites

The first time we see Marianne she's in a rowboat approaching land. One of her parcels falls into water. None of the men in the boat lifts an oar to help her. She jumps into the water to retrieve it.

Men!

We next see her on land carrying armloads of possessions at the bottom of a steep hill. A man informs her that her destination is at the top of the hill, then leaves her to fend for herself.

Men!

Later, a young servant in the home where Marianne is staying becomes pregnant. The man involved is nowhere to be seen.

Men!

Portrait of a Lady on Fire is about the relationship between Marianne, a painter, and Heloise, the woman whose wedding portrait she's commissioned to paint. It's 1770 in Brittany and Heloise is being forced to marry the Milanese man her sister escaped by committing suicide. So, the movie is about women who love women.

 Fine.

Critics gave the movie a surfeit of stars and it was very beautifully filmed. But MS was annoyed. Why were men portrayed as swine? Can't women just prefer women? Say what you will about men but consider this. When did a woman ever volunteer to shovel your walk after a snowstorm? This movie lost MS in  the first scene.

Call of the Wild: Heed the call

Seeing a movie based on a beloved novel can be dicey. Will the flick be faithful to the original? Or will it devolve into a full-out-Hollywood cheesy mess?

The Movie Slut is delighted to report that Call of the Wild hits all the right notes. It isn't as dark or as violent as Jack London's 1903 novel. But that's okay. It means more children can share in the journey of a pampered—and disobedient—house pet that finds his roots. You know where.

The movie stars Harrison Ford, who has more chemistry with co-star Buck than most of the human actors he's appeared with. And in the vein of truth telling, that's quite a feat since Buck is actually a computer-generated canine. (He sure fooled MS.)

Maybe the best part of watching this film is the trip you'll take back to your childhood when the love of your life was a hairy, four-footed, wet-nosed pooch. 

Downhill: With and without skis

A family vacation. A traumatic event. A test of fatherhood? Or the natural survival instinct at play?
That, in a nutshell, is what this movie is about.

It's a remake of the 2014 Swedish movie, Force Majeure," which critics loved. This one, not so much.

But the Movie Slut thinks it got a bum rap.

Part of the problem is its stars— Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Will Ferrill, who both did an excellent job of portraying spouses at a trying time in their marriage. Still, movie-goers can't be blamed for expecting a comedy. Which it IS NOT.

Neither was Force Majeure, although critics thought it had a fair share of comic relief. The Movie Slut saw it on Amazon the same night she caught this movie and laughed not once.

Both are thoughtful flicks. Unfortunately, Downhill was cheapened by a few silly scenes with an unnecessary supporting character. Fortunately, she's eminently forgettable.

Sonic the Hedgehog

 It's not something of which the Movie Slut is proud. Hating an animated character is below her. And yet. Detestation adequately describes her feelings about the blue alien hedgehog  whose better role would be in a Ritalin commercial. Does every creature on his planet suffer from hyperactivity syndrome?

Having said that, MS didn't despise this flick for two reasons: James Marsden, who plays the human who for some unfathomable reason, befriends the uber-annoying one; and Jim Carrey, the evil Dr. Robotnik, who's out to save the world—and movie-goers—from this blue menace.

The Photograph: Love Story Times Two

Lakeith Stanfield & Issa Rae

Q:   What could be better for Valentine's weekend than a movie with two love stories?
A:   Practically anything else when the stories are as chemistry-free as a vat of wet rags.

Alas, neither story in this multi-generational flick made the Movie Slut's heart go pitter patter.

Although movie-goers are never shown her work until the end of the movie, they are to believe that Christina Eames was a celebrated photographer who left her love and life in Louisiana to seek fame and fortune in NYC.

Fast forward twenty-plus years and we meet Christina's daughter, Mae, who finds a photo her mother took, and a love interest in Michael, a journalist writing a story on her mom. Christina and Michael share long, lingering looks that are supposed to reveal their burgeoning love. But don't do the trick.

Think of The photograph as a dark-room print that's never developed.

Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey

Harley Quinn wants you to know she's no dummy. She eagerly tells you she's a medical school graduate. A psychiatrist to be exact. Unfortunately she fell in love with a patient. More unfortunately, that patient was The Joker of DC Comics-fame. And most unfortunately, he dumped her. Which means it's open season for her enemies to seek payback without fear of retribution.

When it comes to Harley, she has more enemies than The Joker has razor-tipped playing cards.

And so we're off on a frenzied fracas of fanciful fighting that's soon as numbing as vat of venal vixens.

Rhythem Section: Cacophony

Blake Lively is Stephanie Patrick

Amazing Blake. She once was glam. Now she's grunge.

That's one reason to see this Jane Bond wannabe movie. The other is the Hans Zimmer score and the rock songs sprinkled through the lackluster action. If that's not enough, stay home and watch reruns of "Gossip Girls" to get your Lively fix.